PRO-DUCTIVITY

Pro-ductivity, its the best feeling in the world today! Even though I only have one paragraph and a half page resume to show for it, its the process that counts today. In one full day sitting, I've been a researcher, writer and self-motivated entrepreneur. I claim fame today! I claim victory! I claim PRO-DUCTIVITY!

A New Day

Just finished making an early dinner. My heart burn is quit intense and I had a horrific case of indigestion five days ago. Its seems I've relapsed into my insides being extra sensitive. As explained, I hold too much in. As a result, it eats away at my spirit and causes problems with my digestive system. Its seems easy to just let it ALL out, right? To speak the ugly truth and do away with lies of omission. To sincerely speak the mind and fear not the ideals of others. To be an individual, and to be above the norm if there ever existed such a thing. Well, it's a new day and the things that rest within me are not well. So, the obvious thing would be to let them go. I will be an open book for the world to read. Ask and I shall tell, admire and I shall shine, strike and be condemned.

My Uncharted Journey

I am sitting here reflecting on the recent events of my life and wondering what's next as I travel this path. When asked the question of what do I want to do, my response is "I don't know." When indeed I know exactly what I want to do and why, but I am afraid to proclaim it because I'm uncertain of the way to go about reaching my dreams. I think I'm afraid of what people will say and the faith they lay in me. Yet ironically, outsiders tend to have more faith in me than I do myself. So, I'm at a state of confusion, lack of motivation and insecurity. I so desperately want a crutch or to be some type of dependent, but I don't think it's going to work this time.
The passion, the vision and creativity all lies within. I can try to write it and I can even try to explain it, but when I create it, then the world can receive it. When I put it into a product to share with everyone, then it makes sense. With that, I must be self-motivated this time. I have to take the tools set before me, and if not, then I must be resourceful and create tools. With that in mind, fear cannot be a factor. Yet I have been drawn in by such a feat. I've enclosed my horizon and I cannot see beyond a certain point. Everything I've written about and scrutinized, I have become. The tables have turned on this uncharted journey and I'm not happy anymore. I was happy when I created, I was happy when I spoke truth, and I was elated when I could write my life's story.

Somethin' On My Mind

I have something on my mind, but it's hard to get it out. So I write. I don't know what it is, but I know it's real. I can feel it in my chest as it squeezes the life out of my thoughts. And so I write, and then I think, and then I cry. And as I sit and cry, I think, and then I write because I want to get it out.

Back to Action: Part II, Rehabilitation

I'm stable now. No more bullshit, no more bullshit, no more bullshit!
Stability and I have conferenced and made a decision on down sizing. We had to get rid of bull shit. We're turning in a new direction and in order to focus on our future there must be a new structure at the core. And I'm so cool with that. I can see beyond the immediate. I may over analyze at times, but not being analytical at all can be fatal. My mind and spirit have risen from its latest point. I'm rehabilitated from my previous thoughts, actions and emotions...

Fatal Flaw

I've come to the realization that I have a problem loving. With my over analytical attitude, I spend too much time processing every factor of a situation. I spent too much time being withdrawn and let the images of tarnished relationships scar my inner being. And as a defense mechanism, I've developed this uneasiness of the newly acquainted. Knowing all the bad that can come from relationships with people, I refuse to openly trust the newly acquainted. Even if there's a mutual attraction, I can never jump in with both feet before the deep analysis takes place. Fear of the worst develops a lack of trust. The lack of trust opens the fear of loving.
I'm at a place right now where I confess that I am not looking for a significant other, but I enjoy the company and attention that comes with having such. I want love, but I refuse to give it openly. It is now that I realize how cold life has truly made me. I'm not sure when I developed such a bad attitude toward being open or the idea of it. By far, it has to be at its all time worst.

Departure Time

What do you do when the dearly has departed? What do you do when you can interact with them no more? You antagonize their former being. You talk about every aspect of their former life. But those who love and adore, let the less be trumped by what was and is special. When the dearly reaches their departure time, we should rejoice in all the good and keep only fond memories. We should praise what was. This I have always known and was taught in my rearing, but since the death of Mr. Michael Jackson, I have become more aware of how we should treat the dearly departed. I am disturbed at the intrusion of his former life, but not to say that it was unexpected. Freedom of press and speech has to be one of the most abused amendments in our country's history. I do remember his music and the entertainment that he offered life. He was a tremendous entertainer and the best I have ever seen. His career is an inspiration to me. God bless his family and legacy in the years to follow.

Back to Action

So I decided to let the possibility of bullshit enter back into my realm. Never again will I criticize the drug addict, the alcoholic or the domestically abused. I now understand being STUCK in a situation. The mental scrutiny behind our actions and reactions, and the falsehood we find in the bullshit. It fills a void, a mishap, an unhappiness or whatever the word of choice. Either way, I cleaned up and was well on the road to recovery a week ago, and in a weak moment, I have let the possibility creep back into my presence. I am trying to maintain a balance though. Then eventually even a complete recovery and dismissal of all signs of bullshit.