STARdom

So I'm back in tune with my STAR Player. Things have gone into full motion and prosperity is on the rise. Tenacity and I have become one and nothing can divert me from the goal at hand, I'm in tune with my STAR Player. It's half time and I'm ready to finish strong. The first half was extremely rough and I took a lot of hits and follies. Now that my STAR Player has made the gain, the team is back in action. The plays are running smoothly and the opposition has been knocked off balance by an efficient game. I'm in tune with my STAR Player. Who dares to stand in my way!

Just Like That

Oh how quickly the world comes crashing down on you in a twenty-four hour period. A few phone calls and financial obligations deplete all of you in just a flash. And like Job, I stand here watching it all perish. Hurting on the inside and my tears can wash away nothing, my thoughts can't change what is, and the mirror will never change the reflection of the sad face...

Doing What's Best

I have to do what I know best how to do when I don't know what to do. I write. When the ears are not there to listen and the voice can't place the words in the correct position and the mind can't formulate the thoughts into phrases. I write. My soul pours through my fingers, my thoughts stand bold in text form. I write. All my anger and frustrations, all my joys and accomplishments, and everything that captures me. I write. Today I don't know what to do. I don't know who to tell. I'm not certain of what I should say. I've played the songs, read the book and said the prayers. I've kept faith and planned ahead. And now I write...

Early Morning Premonition

I see it coming. I woke up this morning with the wind and it carried me to new heights.
I see it coming. The grass is a brighter shade of green, its become my favorite hue of joy.
I see it happening. Adversity turned into immense successes.
I see it happening. Understanding amongst the misunderstanding, they see what I see.
I see it moving. The rain beats on my soul giving new life.
I see it moving. Nourished with the rain, my river flows with rapids of creativity unknown.
I see it changing. Failure and strain prune a great product.
I see it changing. My vision becoming concrete for the world to see.
I see it. Yes, I see it. My God gave it to me and the world can never take it away.

Fumble

I thought I was in tune with my Star Player, but he dropped the ball. Damn! It's a fumble and the balls loose. So here I stand on the side line waiting to see who's going to recover, the home team, or the opposition. It's been an intense game from the beginning, but my Star Player has carried the team well. His key moves put us in the lead and his keen sense of leadership has been ideal for the team. The strategic plans discussed in the huddle made victorious plays on the field, and so I thought I was in tune with my Star Player. Until he fucked up, and dropped the ball...

What's Right is Right, Right?

I think and so I say, and I say it because I think it's right. I try to be every bit of encouraging in all of my righteousness. Still my blatant tongue lacks tact in my explanation, affirmations and exclamations. Yet I am right for communicating, and it’s always right to express yourself, right? In the event of a disagreement, there is the right to protest because we all have our own personal rights. As I express my freedom to thought and speech, I exercise my right to live. When I think, I live, and as I speak, I live. What’s right has to be, because it is the law of nature. You cannot go wrong when you are right, or is it that you lose with delivery? A message conveyed in an unordinary and uninteresting way loses its strength when put in the wrong voice. Is it then that what is right can be downright incorrect?

Atlanta Bread

The flutes flow so vibrantly along the melody and my heart beats with the angelic sound of the staccato touch. Like a butterfly my mind floats and flutters in the cool breeze with thoughts of pleasantness. Sweetened to perfection, my breath is satisfied with the air and all is well and at peace wrapped in the blissful sounds of the strings. The tunes dance on my eardrums like a ballerina on her grand stage, whisking to and fro. My eyes rest beyond the hills, and there I lay in a serene slumber with my heart still beating to the angelic sound, breathing sweetness with my ears still attentively tuned in.

TRUTHS

What I think, I write
What I write is what I live
What I live is real
What my words say is truth
What is exaggerated, is for propaganda
What I think, write and live, is never to persuade
What I think, write and live is only a testimony

10 Unintentional Signs of a Woman's Company

1. She leaves hair in the bathroom after fixing it
2. She leaves a clothing item at your place
3. She leaves glitter or some make up on your face
4. She comes to visit unannounced
5. She takes up your time so that you have to postpone or cancel other engagements
6. She makes you deny the company of others
7. She leaves you smelling like perfume after embracing her
8. She causes you to lie about your true feelings
9. You grow and learn about life and yourself
10. You end up with a broken heart

My Day

You made my day. It was more beautiful than I ever imagined and so unexpected. I was elated when I walked in the room. My heart was overjoyed with feelings I had not felt in a long time. I didn't know how to react, and all I could do was smile. The insides of  me leaped like a child in an open field running wild. You made my day. Now I have a fond memory to cherish forever, and forever's are hard to come by. But I don't mind forever because longevity is the best. You were perfect and you made my day perfect.
Thank you!

Reasons for Seasons

Love blooms in the Spring time, but its approaching Fall
So in the meantime, I'll be hibernating in loneliness
Winters frost turns loneliness into a bitter cold heart
As I Fall apart, time passes before the melting starts
Hopes of a Spring love looms through the cold
Stories of it turning into beautiful Summer nights are untold
A Summer fling turned ablaze, and with it, I can grow old
Its only a thought, a mystery that my hands can't hold

I'm NOT Happy

They want to come in and disrupt my so far, so good. They want to change my course of action and all the plans I have revamped. My goals were set and I knew how I was going to reach them, but numbers and outlandish logic has deteriorated everything, and I'm NOT happy...

To Hell With Sleep: Part III, Uh-Oh!

I guess I'm tired again, funny thing is, I went to sleep last night and got decent hours worth of sleep...

Mr. Sand man, what's the plan man
I'm tired again, I'm your restless fan
The bags under my eyes must be loaded with sand
Granules with no discretion harassing me because they can
Bright white dreams, turned to a dusty tan
Peaceful slumber eluding the palms of my hand
And let's conclude, now that this race has been ran
That you, Mr. Sand man, have beat me again

(Shout out to my insomniacs)

Late Night Disatisfaction

I was up late and my mind was disturbed, between my best friends sad relationship story and my hurt feelings, I couldn't put my mind around sleep. It was a sad, sad little case of the BLUES. Laying there thinking of everything I want to fix, things I cannot fix and some shyte that I just aint gonna adjust. Really, I wanted to go back in time and replay, redo and revise a certain scene in my life. I'd probably still have this sad, sad case of the BLUES, but it wouldn't be as intense.
This late night dissatisfaction is self-inflicted, certain factors could have been easily avoided. I know what it is...I'm indecisive! When I set out to do anything, I go strong and follow through. The decision before I get to that point is another matter. I go back, back, forth and forth. Then I back it up, bring it back, then send it back. Craziness and a case of the sad, sad BLUES is what I have to show for it.
The thoughts of sleep deprivation have now been added to my misery, creating a deeper BLUE shade of sadness. Relationships are the most wonderful things shared. They are a necessity and sustain all life, but they can come at a very high cost. They entail sacrifice, time and pruning. They do not escape the likes of criticism, happiness and self-discovery. They can be the best or they can be the worst. Relationships can be held, broken and fixed all-in-one. In my endeavors, I have run into late night dissatisfaction and a case of the sad, sad BLUES.

The In-Zone!

I'm in the zone! I've got my game face on and the opposition is set to be defied. My mind is racing and that means tracks are going to be left when I take the unseen and make it visual, when I take the unimaginable and make it realistic, when I take the mind and make it tangible. I'm in the zone! My creative juices are overflowing and as potent as can be. So potent that when leaked or spilled it's going to tarnish the material of the inferior cloth of mediocrity. I'm in the zone! I can't be stopped, I feel it, the energy is radiating off of me. You should get close and maybe you too can feel the juice. Feed off the energy and feel me, and let me fill you. I'm in the zone!

In Love With the Idea

I'm in love with the idea of satin touches that send chills through the body
I'm in love with the idea of soft conversation that soothes the soul
I'm in love with the idea of shared laughter that warms the spirit
I'm in love with the idea of sweet nothings whispered in the ears
I'm in love with the idea of late nights turned happy mornings
I'm in love with the idea of a sincere heart that truly cares
I'm in love with the idea of forever
I'm in love with the idea
I'm in love
I'm in

Sad, Separation, Satisfaction, Salvation

The sun is setting and I'm sad as the wilting jasmine. My satisfaction has come at the price of an immense separation. I was forced to flee in order to expand my horizons and sustain my very being, but my heart races in a rapid pace of anxiety. No one ever said change was easy. Yes, it is necessary, and my change has brought salvation to my soul. But I have sacrificed my limbs as I pressed disillusion to extreme measures in order to separate from thee unfaithful.
In the midst of my chaos I was budding like a jasmine nourished from the morning dew and high noon sun. As with any growth, I had surpassed my accommodations, and so I uprooted and moved beyond. Now I'm sad because I have separated from all I ever new. My limbs, even in an unhealthy state, served as a bitter sweet motivation to my successes. In seeking my salvation my spirits droop like the wilting jasmine. In all of my satisfaction the fire has dwindled into a sad simmer. Alas, SALVATION, but at what cost?

So Far, So Good

So far, so good, I have no complaints.
Everything in order and all chaos kept in restraints.
All is well, all have come and gone.
Peace has settled and the next destination is home.
Things are in order for the next day to begin.
I'm setting up to be a trail blazer and to set some new trends.
The first day was a good day and a model for the rest.
I'm pushing for new amazement and putting myself to the test.

Today was a good day. It helps to plan and even over plan. When you lack plans, you put yourself in a position to fall victim to nothingness or a state of confusion. Someone intelligent said, "A failure to plan is a plan to fail." Indeed, improvisation is given to the gifted, but in certain instances it just will not do. In being prepared there are set goals and direction, which give way to progress.
If there are no plans, is there any direction?
Are there any set goals to attain?
Where exactly is life leading?
Is life an improvisation, or something to just go with the flow and whatever happens just happens?
Do no plans suggest no control?
It's a double standard for me to be so prepared in one portion of my life and to lack preparation in other parts. My game face has turned to a solemn stare as I sit here trying to figure out my next move. I'm living two separate lives. The side that I'm held accountable by a group and employer is having the most gain because I refuse to let people down. Yet the side that keeps me grounded and at peace is suffering. I've put my peace on the back burner and its sitting there to get scorched. In all of my humility, I'll prepare any and everything, within reason, for the sake of others. When it comes to self, I've gotten into the habit of procrastination. It's hard to be a dreamer right now. The world is much bigger than I ever knew and it has become so intimidating. It was so much easier to be a dreamer when I lived in a smaller world and the tasks flowed like water because I had something to prove and share with the world. I wanted them to see my life, my pain, my leaps and bounds. And so I prepared, set goals and created progress. When the world was smaller, I made it go around. Now the world has grown beyond my slim horizons and I'm trying to do a double step to keep up with its rotation. I've made some plans, but not over planned and the outcome was a plan failed and no extensions to back up the first set. Now, I'm waiting and thinking about new plans. But still waiting...
Even so, today was a good day and I'll take that for what it is.

Public Announcement

I must declare that I like the sunshine today. It's gazing bright on my windowsill and invading the blinds in such a pleasant way. It feels so good! Nice and warm against my skin. It caresses me in a joy that had been long lost. I declare that I am satisfied with the sun today, and it's my own personal sunshine. It only smiles at me. It only touches my heart and stimulates my intellect. It overjoys me with emotions that were too often suppressed. It encourages me to live and it entices me to bask in its very essence. I indulge in the sunshine today.

PRO-DUCTIVITY

Pro-ductivity, its the best feeling in the world today! Even though I only have one paragraph and a half page resume to show for it, its the process that counts today. In one full day sitting, I've been a researcher, writer and self-motivated entrepreneur. I claim fame today! I claim victory! I claim PRO-DUCTIVITY!

A New Day

Just finished making an early dinner. My heart burn is quit intense and I had a horrific case of indigestion five days ago. Its seems I've relapsed into my insides being extra sensitive. As explained, I hold too much in. As a result, it eats away at my spirit and causes problems with my digestive system. Its seems easy to just let it ALL out, right? To speak the ugly truth and do away with lies of omission. To sincerely speak the mind and fear not the ideals of others. To be an individual, and to be above the norm if there ever existed such a thing. Well, it's a new day and the things that rest within me are not well. So, the obvious thing would be to let them go. I will be an open book for the world to read. Ask and I shall tell, admire and I shall shine, strike and be condemned.

My Uncharted Journey

I am sitting here reflecting on the recent events of my life and wondering what's next as I travel this path. When asked the question of what do I want to do, my response is "I don't know." When indeed I know exactly what I want to do and why, but I am afraid to proclaim it because I'm uncertain of the way to go about reaching my dreams. I think I'm afraid of what people will say and the faith they lay in me. Yet ironically, outsiders tend to have more faith in me than I do myself. So, I'm at a state of confusion, lack of motivation and insecurity. I so desperately want a crutch or to be some type of dependent, but I don't think it's going to work this time.
The passion, the vision and creativity all lies within. I can try to write it and I can even try to explain it, but when I create it, then the world can receive it. When I put it into a product to share with everyone, then it makes sense. With that, I must be self-motivated this time. I have to take the tools set before me, and if not, then I must be resourceful and create tools. With that in mind, fear cannot be a factor. Yet I have been drawn in by such a feat. I've enclosed my horizon and I cannot see beyond a certain point. Everything I've written about and scrutinized, I have become. The tables have turned on this uncharted journey and I'm not happy anymore. I was happy when I created, I was happy when I spoke truth, and I was elated when I could write my life's story.

Somethin' On My Mind

I have something on my mind, but it's hard to get it out. So I write. I don't know what it is, but I know it's real. I can feel it in my chest as it squeezes the life out of my thoughts. And so I write, and then I think, and then I cry. And as I sit and cry, I think, and then I write because I want to get it out.

Back to Action: Part II, Rehabilitation

I'm stable now. No more bullshit, no more bullshit, no more bullshit!
Stability and I have conferenced and made a decision on down sizing. We had to get rid of bull shit. We're turning in a new direction and in order to focus on our future there must be a new structure at the core. And I'm so cool with that. I can see beyond the immediate. I may over analyze at times, but not being analytical at all can be fatal. My mind and spirit have risen from its latest point. I'm rehabilitated from my previous thoughts, actions and emotions...

Fatal Flaw

I've come to the realization that I have a problem loving. With my over analytical attitude, I spend too much time processing every factor of a situation. I spent too much time being withdrawn and let the images of tarnished relationships scar my inner being. And as a defense mechanism, I've developed this uneasiness of the newly acquainted. Knowing all the bad that can come from relationships with people, I refuse to openly trust the newly acquainted. Even if there's a mutual attraction, I can never jump in with both feet before the deep analysis takes place. Fear of the worst develops a lack of trust. The lack of trust opens the fear of loving.
I'm at a place right now where I confess that I am not looking for a significant other, but I enjoy the company and attention that comes with having such. I want love, but I refuse to give it openly. It is now that I realize how cold life has truly made me. I'm not sure when I developed such a bad attitude toward being open or the idea of it. By far, it has to be at its all time worst.

Departure Time

What do you do when the dearly has departed? What do you do when you can interact with them no more? You antagonize their former being. You talk about every aspect of their former life. But those who love and adore, let the less be trumped by what was and is special. When the dearly reaches their departure time, we should rejoice in all the good and keep only fond memories. We should praise what was. This I have always known and was taught in my rearing, but since the death of Mr. Michael Jackson, I have become more aware of how we should treat the dearly departed. I am disturbed at the intrusion of his former life, but not to say that it was unexpected. Freedom of press and speech has to be one of the most abused amendments in our country's history. I do remember his music and the entertainment that he offered life. He was a tremendous entertainer and the best I have ever seen. His career is an inspiration to me. God bless his family and legacy in the years to follow.

Back to Action

So I decided to let the possibility of bullshit enter back into my realm. Never again will I criticize the drug addict, the alcoholic or the domestically abused. I now understand being STUCK in a situation. The mental scrutiny behind our actions and reactions, and the falsehood we find in the bullshit. It fills a void, a mishap, an unhappiness or whatever the word of choice. Either way, I cleaned up and was well on the road to recovery a week ago, and in a weak moment, I have let the possibility creep back into my presence. I am trying to maintain a balance though. Then eventually even a complete recovery and dismissal of all signs of bullshit.

Rise and Shine: All Hail Sleep!

I woke up today and the sky is little bit clearer. The sun is shining a little bit brighter. Sleep and I came to an agreement last night that rest is an essence of the mind. If my mind is at peace then my body will follow suit. So I put my mind to rest last night as I laid down to sleep and I woke up this morning refreshed in the breathe of a new light. The sun light, shining brighter in a better appreciation of life and good health. Myself being gracious for the day and respecting it in all of its goodness and imperfections. But letting the less of it fall to the wayside and indulging in the best of it. No need to amplify the meaningless and menial, but it is always good to emphasize the good until it is great. And so, I woke up today and the sky was a little clearer, my mind was clear and I slept well. Sleep and I have come to a peaceful agreement...

To Hell With Sleep: Part II, I'm Still Tired

I went to bed and woke up tired. I'm mentally drained from the bullshit I have to process that surrounds me. Maybe I'm the dumb dumb for letting such exist in my environment. I'm physically drained from the bullshit that encompasses my being. Maybe I'm the dumb dumb for keeping such company. As I laid restless late last night, I tossed and turned with the idea of being fed up. I rolled and flipped with the thought of no more and enough is enough. Even so, I still woke up tired and my mind still processes questions and has settled on nothing. I'm still in an endless battle. Until next post...

To Hell With Sleep

I'm tired. Sleep doesn't seem to catch up to me, and I can't seem to catch it. In the car on lunch break, at the stop light, in the middle of conversations, it's an endless battle that ends with sleep and I never coming to a peaceful compromise. How could you be so cruel? Why can't we get along? I guess I'll settle as I do with so many other aspects of life. I guess I thought too much of something that I couldn't live without. I guess I'll live with being tired, and sleep and I can battle on for the rest of my days...

Unreturned phone call and loads of BS

I wished you safe travels requested that you call me when you get in. Its a common courtesy to let people know that you made it to your destination safely. So, hours go by and I don't hear from you. I call and leave a voice message after I texted. I assume you've gone home and fallen asleep as you usually do...supposedly. Then I kind of start to worry. The weather was little bad, but I hope to God nothing has happened to you. So, all the while I'm hoping you eventually call, but you don't. So then my mind starts wondering and putting together scenarios of some slick shyte that you could be up to. Scenarios that protest you to be a liar and a cheat. Finally, you text, and of course you tell me that weather conditions delayed you. I am relieved that you are safe and my mind is put to ease from the awful thoughts I had put together, until reality snaps in five minutes later. Fool! You're lying! Don't give me a lame ass excuse. Damn you lie, hell if the sky wasn't blue, you'd try to convince me that it was.
Now, to make sure I'm not crazy let's replay this. You call me over the entire weekend that you're on vacation, clearly establishing that there are strong feelings between us. Then you call as you depart to return home, claiming that you would call me when you got in. So now I'm on this pedestal and I feel important, hell, maybe even like I'm number one on your list. Yet, when you finally make it home all I get is a lame ass text message full of crap. You couldn't call and tell me that lie to my ear?
Really quick, let me give you some insight on how I feel about text messages. They are impersonal. I don't really care to send texts in place of an in depth conversation or to convey emotions that words cannot. There's a difference in hearing a voice, seeing a face, and reading words. BIG difference. Now they are convenient when you're unable to talk or to send a quick, short message. They are not the only source of telling a loved one good night, good morning and sending other messages. Folks, my point is that you cannot live life or relationships through electronic devices.
Back to the matter at hand. So, I get this lie via text. I don't say much because deep down inside I'm pissed because this is not the first time I've not heard from you hours at a time. You're a repeat offender of doing disappearing acts and submitting un-returned phone calls and messages. You leave me hanging. All dressed lying in bed for evening dates turned into late night dates because you had some other shyte to do. The bad thing is, we aren't even together. The bad thing is, you tell me that you love me. The bad thing is, you tell me that you want to be with me and can't imagine not having me around. The bad thing is, I keep putting up with you.

Something New & Something Old

They sent my doctor bill to the collections agency. Old bill, new mark on my credit report.
You said you were coming over. New day, same old lies.
I'm tired as hell. Same feeling, new position on the couch.
I need to move but I cannot afford it. New apartment, same broke ass story.
In a couple of months I'll start work again. Same disappointing position, but new hopes and successes.
My point being, I can try new things, find new things and and even move on to new things, but the past doesn't disappear. Even so, I live on and either sit and waddle in the mess of the past, never letting it go. Or, I remember the past and correct it to create the future.

Unfocused and in a Frenzy

Its hard to focus in on the matter at hand with so many particulars written down in my plans. So many fates are resting in my hands, I have to balance out all the negatives with "I cans." But I find it hard to focus my attention...
To hell with the deadlines and if you call me for a favor, you're gonna get a dead line
Damn punching the time clock, I'll show up when I want, say something to me and you might get clocked
Enough with the paper trails and reports, face-to-face is the only sure way to build up rapport
Can't stand to make anymore checklists, but if I continue to forget, surely I'll be check less
I'm ready to rip up the calendar, fuck it, I ain't calling him or her
Not checking anymore phone messages, damn I've become a mess in my ages
And its hard to focus on the matter at hand, so many requests, so many plans. So many fates are resting in my hands, expecting me to come up with endless "I cans." But I find it hard to focus my attention...So, I dare not pay it.

What's Next?

What's next when life is at a standstill? What's next when you've passed a breaking point? Do you pick up the pieces and start agian? And if so, where does the start begin? Or should you leave the pieces wallowing on the ground and just walk away? What's next in life when you've achieved your successes? Do you sit and create a new plan of action or a new set of goals? If you constantly create new goals, will you ever reach a destination in life? Will life ever be enough? Will you ever get to sit back and be content with what you have, or will you constantly search for more? What happens when life comes to a standstill? Where does purpose come from?
I'm at a standstill and I'm tired. It's never acceptable to quit, but it is important to observe and make good judgment before moving. So, I'm at a standstill as I wait here deciding which way to step next. Life is draining as I try to stay balanced in this stance. And the question still remains...What's next?